How Not to Make Difficult Decisions

I don’t know how to write a tremendous blog post. I don’t know how to come up with an eye-catching title. I don’t know how to reach ‘SEO’. What I do know, or what I think I know is that I may have rushed into something that I was not ready for.

This isn’t your average ‘how to list’, in fact, it’s not that at all. It’s just simply a collection of letters, combined into different orders and patterns in order to portray how I’m feeling and the decisions I face making.

You are probably unaware that I am a University student, a student midwife so to speak. I am only on my first year, however over the past few months I cannot say that I have been enjoying myself. This has nothing to do with the course content, or the most wonderful people whom I have met, it’s just me.

The transition from secondary school to university can be a difficult one, especially if you’re having to move city  (or to a city) to participate in a course you’re not sure that you want to be doing. School can really urge you into pursuing higher education and you find yourself picking a course just to satisfy their statistics and keep the teachers at bay, or even to make your parents proud (which I can guarantee that they are already proud of you and they just want you to be happy).

I suppose I fall into the category of teens put under pressure and expectation. I knew that my time in school was almost up so about two years before I left I began thinking of possible careers or courses to apply for. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a midwife because I loved babies and working with people as well as the concept of pregnancy and birth has always fascinated me (not going to lie, I may have been under the influence of Call the Midwife too). But because of this expectation to go to university, once I found a career that I was mildly interested I never allowed myself to think of other possibilities that I may have been interested in and the thought of taking a gap year never fully crossed my mind (because to me that was something that meant just working for a year and not doing anything I regarded as exciting). I applied for university, however I was still sceptical as to whether I really wanted to go through with this career or not. I prayed for a clear answer and a few months (after making the effort to go  to an interview) later I got into uni.

So I’m currently about seven months into the course now. I’ve moved away from home and I’m still not sure this is for me.  I have met so many lovely people and made great friends and experienced events I never would have experienced had I not jumped straight into uni. But I’m not happy. I haven’t been enjoying myself for a few months now and really only a handful of people recognised that up until now.

I have been threatening to drop out every five minutes and I keep trying to convince myself that ‘this is for me’ and ‘I am enjoying this’, but if I’m having to persuade myself to like something then it’s evidently not for me. The difficult decision to make is to whether to take a year out or not. In the process of writing this blog post I have spoken to friends and family, all with mixed responses. I have been for a walk with a friend who talked me through the different possibilities and I’ve made a list of pros and cons. Nonetheless I can’t help feeling that if I do take a year out, that I’d be letting people down. Some of my friends have been trying to convince me to at least wait until the end of my first year but my heart hasn’t been in it to continue until then.

I am a sensitive person, who unfortunately is affected by other’s opinions and am easily influenced by other’s ideas, even when it comes to difficult decisions regarding my own life.Also being a Christian I have  prayed for guidance about what to do and it was today that I was actually beginning to feel that people were supporting me with whichever decision I decided to make that felt right for me. I was reminded that ‘the choice is completely up to me, no matter what anyone else says’. So I guess that God has opened a new door for me which could mean that maybe I should take a year out to reflect.

I congratulate you if you’ve made it this far, I shan’t keep you any longer. Writing this has helped me get my thoughts onto paper and assisted me with evaluating my position. There’s still a lot of thought to go into my FINAL decision but I suppose I’ll get there. I can’t say that there was any deeper meaning behind this post or any little pearls of wisdom, but if you do take anything from it is to not let yourself be pressured into anything that you’re not sure of, no matter anyone’s opinion (or any school’s statistics)if it is not right for you. I found speaking to different people did vary my perspective, but it took a good long heart to heart with a sensible friend to help me really come any closer to my decision finish line.

Lots of love x